Self-preservation, faith, a little about my journey of choosing to homeschool
For whoever wishes to save his life [in this world] will [eventually] lose it [through death], but whoever loses his life [in this world] for My sake will find it [that is, life with Me for all eternity].”
– Matthew 16:25, Amplified
Last Sunday the pastor shared this verse as part of a wider sermon, and over the course of the week I kept thinking about it until I looked it up and copied it into my notebook. The words seemed to both leap off the page and sink deep into my bones.
Then the other day I was walking with my kids through the mall. Baby in my front pack, a pre-schooler in each hand, and a man at a well-known charity stand grinned and made a beeline for me. I felt an immediate reaction that can only be described as offence. I smiled and shook my head in what I think was an apologetic way, but in the meantime in my mind, I had anything but apologies.
“Can’t you see I have a young family to raise and feed? Choose someone else who has more disposable income.”
“This world is just so depressing. Next please!”
“Don’t look at me, look at someone else who is not so tired.”
“You just want your commission, you don’t care about the cause anyway.”
Yes, I know, ugly thought honesty :-(
For many hours every day I am around my little ones who are highly dependent. I, like many other mamas, carry invisible loads and struggle with the soaring price of groceries.
I do not want to hear about any more needs.
So many of us parents are tired, whether we work outside the home as well, or not. But I know for me, my tiredness and ‘closed-offness’ comes also from my resistance to what God requires of me.
Being overdrawn in my own strength. And needing to actually rely on supernatural strength.
Following what feels like a more unconventional path, with no personal roadmap to follow as it is not what I was raised with. Needing to trust God.
Feeling inadequate as a stay at home mother. Learning to truly accept that I won’t look accomplished to some people. Learning to not try to preserve my image for vanity’s sake.
Feeling like a terrible mother and wife at times. Being called to carry on this lifelong imperfect dance with my nearest and dearest.
Laying down my desire for approval. I could feel my face burning when someone tried to give me schooling and parenting advice and I couldn’t find the words to defend my position. Just focusing on what is right for us and being open to God leading us, day by day.
Putting aside my desire for travel and freedom to move around. Long time issue. Allowing this unresolved thread and difficult feelings to stay open.
Loneliness and exhaustion. Finding rest - a constant battle.
Neverending list of unfinished tasks, projects, sentences in my head. Laying it down each day. Okay, multiple times a day.
Loving when it’s hard.
Not always volunteering to meet a need even when I ‘can’ meet it. Because some of my giving has been rooted in fear/guilt and God calls us to freedom.
Sometimes feeling prompted to meet a need that I don’t really want to help with in the moment. Because Jesus wants me to learn to live in His strength.
Each parent faces their own battles. No matter how ‘together’ their lives seem.
Me? I want to do everything well. And immediately. I chase visions of perfection. Meanwhile, I get reminded multiple times a day that I am very human and humans are not at all perfect.
I struggle a LOT with emotional regulation and God wants me to be around my little ones who press this button a LOT, and love them.
God’s ways are so different from our own. Being a Christian is not an easy life. But as the pastor said at church, the cost of not choosing Him? is higher than the cost of choosing Him.
For whoever wishes to save his/her life will lose it, but whoever loses his/her life for My sake will find it …
For the reasons I know and the ones I don’t, God has put homeschool on my heart. I love so many things about this but to say that I don’t also feel some hard things about this would be a lie.
I have a feeling there will be more to write on this subject … but for now it’s time to wrap up this writing session and head home to the fam.
Ending with a verse I really liked when I first became a Christian:
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” - Proverbs 3:5-6, New International Version (NIV), emphasis mine
Between then and now so much has happened. I have strayed off the path more times than I could even recall. But the beauty and enduring truth of His word is as strong and powerful as His heart for us.
Blessings,
Mel
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